The other day I was walking near my work and this girl, maybe about 19, came up and asked if I could spare a $1 for the bus. I gave her a buck, then she said “thanks ma’am.” I almost tore the money out of her stupid young hand. I get that she was trying to be polite, but honestly the transition from Miss to Ma’am came out of nowhere and really hurts my heart. Like angina.

The very next day I was at the liquor store and this happened:

16-Year-Old: Ma’am, do you have a quarter I can have?
Me: Yes, and I’ll give you two if you never call me or anyone else Ma’am again.

Sometimes you just got to teach the kids, otherwise they’ll never learn.

Check this out- I got an email from my local yarn shop and saw myself in their ad! The shot was taken when i took a sewing class down there to learn to make this really cool re-usable grocery sack. Although I don’t remember signing a release, I SUPPOSE I won’t sue…I mean, I can’t blame them for wanting to use my cuteness, it’s just smart marketing on their part!

According to the Sent box on my phone, several of my friends got this around 2 am this morning:

“Crap, I just fought a tree because this dick-head bird was being an asshole. Guess I won’t win the ‘sober person of the year award.’ “

And that, kids, is why drinking and texting do not mix. That bird was really being a fucktard though.

10 Things I’m not gonna do anymore after I turn 40:

1. Say “Fuck”. Well, not on Facebook statuses. Or when I’m describing things to the children. (kidding, geez!) Or at Parent Teacher Conferences.

2. Eat a whole bag of “Late Night Taco Doritos” for breakfast. On the weekdays.

3. Drink beer out of party cups. Or wait, no, I will, but I won’t lose my party cup 15 times in one half hour. I will always keep track of my beer-filled party cups. As long as it is more than half full.

4. Chew Bubble Yum

5. Do that thing where I put my lips on a window and blow super hard so that it inflates my face.

6. Hide in the closet for 20 minutes so that I can jump out and scare anyone. 10 minutes max after turning 40. Time is limited.

7. Drop and break my camera.

8. Get as mad at people when they don’t act amazed that I graduated in the 80’s

9. Flirt with the check out boy at VG’s, although he is super funny and thinks I’m hilarious.

10. Leave the windshield wipers, heat and car stereo on full blast so that it scares my husband after I’ve borrowed his truck. I also won’t honk at him when he crosses directly in front of the car, because it makes him punch the hood.( I might still do the honking though, we’ll see how it goes) If I do keep honking, then I will definitely stop trying wipe fake boogers on his face or not “fart ball” him. One or the other.

If I can stop doing at least 4 of these things, I’ll call middle age a success. Or a failure. Whatever.

Last week, I got laid off from my job of 13 years. It was a long time coming- the company has been struggling in this economy and I had already taken a pay cut earlier in the year. Plus, since they didn’t really have work for me, they had been outsourcing me for the past seven months to a colleague whose company needed help. So, getting officially laid off did not come as a shock at all. (And don’t cry for me yet; most likely I’m going to take a job with the company where I’ve been helping for the past several months).

Even though I knew it was coming, it was still a little sad. I’ve been there for a long time and change is always hard, and being told you aren’t needed is a blow to the ego. I mean, how dare they think they can get along without me?! With decision making like that, no wonder they can’t afford to keep me. Hmpph.

When my boss instant messaged me on a Friday, at the end of a pay period, telling me we needed to “have a talk” that day, I knew what was about to happen. And while I was getting this information, my Pandora “Poison” radio station decided to provide the most perfect soundtrack to getting canned.

First up was Skid Row’s “I remember you.” While this played, I saw a crazy happy montage in my head featuring some of the best adventures my boss and I have had together. I saw him getting pushed by a warehouse worker, remembered the time we picked out socks for him at Banana Republic during a convention, saw him giving his cabernet-fueled inspirational speeches, and of course saw us running and laughing on a beach, because that’s an important component of all good montages.

So of course, that sent me into hysterical laughter. Just as I started to settle down and feel the sad/worried/panic part of being laid off come on, Pandora then played “Bringing on the Heartache” by Def Leppard and the laughter started all over again. Then to make it even more hilarious, the next song was “Don’t know what you got until its gone” by Cinderella. Just when I started to think our Human Resources department had somehow hacked Pandora to mess with me, Scorpions came on to assure me that “there’s no one like you.” At this point I was laughing so hard that all my bad feelings started melting away, and by the time Guns N Roses chimed in with “Don’t Cry”, I was a-ok and ready to face my next challenge.

I don’t do shots. Well, that’s something of a lie- a more accurate sentence would be that I *shouldn’t* do shots. Because I am old, and shots don’t work well with old bellies and old heads. Oh I’m super fun and interesting and more beautiful than ever when I drink, don’t get me wrong, but there is a price to pay when it comes to shot-gunning a variety of liquors and I just cannot afford it.  Hangovers cannot be cured with food stamps.

Now, that being said, when the opportunity to be in possession of the world’s most fabulous shot glass comes along, I am not going to pass it by. My buddy at the local Diet Mt. Dew store got these amazing promotional glasses from Jagermeister and gave one to me. How can you not love this?

I know you are thinking, “wow, how elegant! What a wonderfully ornate base. It’s practically art!”

Well my friend, look what happens when you pick the glass up: 

Oh yes. This is the epitome of class. I shall be sipping thimbles full of wine out of it, if you’d like to join me for a night of refined delights.

Vended at a craft fair today. Sold a little, but came home with a lot less money than I had when I left the house this morning. As I put away my stuff, I started finding all sorts of random goodies in my bags and realized why I was out of cash:

Turns out I bought myself quite a few gifts today.  I’m justifying my spending by considering it charity work, as I did give cash to artist types. I’m basically a benefactor.

My friend and I are hosting a “make your own tacky holiday shirt” party this weekend. Between the two of us, we must have blown $100 on tacky shiny shit to use as embellishments. I’ll post pics of all the fabulous creations, but in the meantime let me tell you the theme of the two shirts I’m working on:

-Vampire Snowman Massacre
-Zombie Santa Extravaganza

A few months ago, I told you about Mass Solo Revolt. I hope at least of few of you took my recommendation and peeped out the band a little bit. (Seriously, my musical taste is 75% dead on, leaving room for extra crap that I find irresistible, but would never push on you. You can trust me. I kind of know what I’m doing). If you did, you now know that they are very, very, very good.  Next week, with an aptly named new record “Bend in Time” under their belts, Mass Solo is striking out onto the road.

15 years ago I started dating a boy in a band. I made friends with his friends. Although I am very thankful for those friendships, they often unexpectedly cause twinges. So much can surface, thinking about the past. Ruminating on who you were and the ways you’ve changed always stings a little. Seeing how certain you were once… realizing the uncertainty of everything….sigh. The fact that looking back gives you a feeling not unlike sunburn mixed with food poisoning is not a coincidence.

Because I tend to over think the smallest situations, there is so much more going on here than just going to see some old friends whose music I enjoy. I’m looking at a unique chance to sit inside a time machine of my own making, a chance to look back, to see my 24-year-old self reconcile or collide with a nearly 40-year-old, looking into the eyes of, but not really seeing, men with grown up lives and years and years of water under our collective bridges.

So going to this show is going to be… something. MY FRIENDS ARE COMING HOME! And in a very corny way, so am I…the fact that time is going to be bending in a matter of days has me so ridiculously wound up that there are only two options for me on the night of the show.

I will either:

A) Run around in tight circles, giggling hysterically until I trip and accidentally smash my head on a table

 Or

B) Be so untied that I will run stoically in tight circles until I purposely smash my head on a table.

So basically, whether you are there for either the show the band will put on, or the show I will put on, you will be entertained. Come and join. They will be rocking it out, absolutely killing it, and I will be the one with the 24-year-old heart and the 39-year-old life, struggling to staunch my bleeding head wound with cocktail napkins.

Grinning, like a sunburned idiot.

MASS SOLO REVOLT ON TOUR: Check them out here next week!!

Chicago, Ill             Nov 17 @7:30pm        The Subterranean

Ann Arbor, MI        Nov 18 @ 9:00pm        The Blind Pig

Kalamazoo, MI       Nov 20 @ 9:00 pm      The Strutt

Athens, GA             Nov 21 @ 10pm         The Caledonia Lounge